Entry #1
This happened a few weeks ago. She told me she fell “out” of love with me but still loved me (just not good enough to be in love) and my heart dropped. I should’ve known, I was just too caught up on pretending everything was okay. She then led to ask me if I loved her; I then suddenly became speechless. It made me realize that if I had to think about it, then maybe I wasn’t in love with her. And for that matter, did I even love her? Of course I did, and I still do, but it feels like maybe it’s the same love one has for a friend. The same love she has for me it seems. I don’t know why we do this to each other. It’s a roller coaster that neither of us we’re expecting would be so extreme, and one that I feel like I want to tell the operator to stop the ride midway through so I can get off. I understand how she feels though. I don’t make it easy for her. I constantly try and frustrate her to get a rise out of her, because well, she does it to me too. I’m not saying she starts it in anyway - not at all. I usually am the one that starts it, if not always. She’s just the one person that can make me so angry, it makes me want to end it all with just 4 simple words. But I don’t. I won’t. I could think about it all day and all night if I wanted to, but I would never EVER have the guts to actually say “I don’t love you” and end our relationship. Not because I’m a coward and hate confrontation; I mean, I am not a fan of confrontation, but if you nag me enough, I will fire back. This isn’t the reason though. The reason is, deep down inside, she is the love of my life. She may not be the most perfect woman for me, heck, it’s almost if all my friends and family don’t support our relationship, but it does not matter. I was infatuated by her when I saw her come back from her trip down south at the end of grade 12, she was drop dead gorgeous. She was one of my best friends from grade 9 until the start of grade 12; we then ended that relationship after she kissed me, which was on purpose, however, the ending of the relationship kind of just happened out of nowhere. I was too self absorbed to notice at that time that a girl for 4 years, who was one out of a few girls I was friends with and that has been through things with me that no one else has, was in love with me. I had known the whole time too and she even knew it. But she never stopped. She was always hopeful. I thank the fucking lord that she stayed that hopeful all that time, or else things might have been way different and I never would have known how amazing she is to love. She changed my life, in some ways I might not of enjoyed, but I don’t regret any of the time I’ve spent with her. She might make me the most angry out of anyone, but she can make me the most happy too. I can just picture her now from when she came back from her trip. She wasn’t even wearing anything special. A blue sweater, tight blackish pants and (if I could actually remember) probably her birkenstocks. Her hair was the most blonde I had ever seen it, even to this day still. Unfortunately, I am a sucker for blondes and she almost had me grovelling for her for how much she infatuated me. It was the one and only time I had ever really felt that way for someone. The funny thing about that time is that it wasn’t even a few days prior I ended things with another girl because she was just too “out there” (and it was the 3rd time i tried things out with her). So in the back of my head, I thought I was just going for the “rebound” girl. But this girl was no rebound, not for a second. She turned my life up side down, right side in, and loved every second of it. I could go on about this forever, but that is for another day. Since then, in a span of a year and a half almost, so much bullshit has come up and it tears me apart inside sometimes. I’m not one to let my feelings out, so nobody ever knows it. Except her. She knows when there’s something up, only because I get moody with her, because it’s just certain things she says, that can tick me off and she knows I don’t let out my feelings and express them, which pisses her off too because she is one of those girls that gets into everybody’s business. Even if she doesn’t know the person, she’s still curious. She’s a Gemini, and from what i’ve learned about Gemini’s, they must know anything and everything. So since she doesn’t know everything about me, it frustrates her, but at the same time, interests her because I’m like a puzzle in her eyes. A puzzle that she can’t quite seem to figure out, and I’ve been the only one that has succeeded in this, or at least, I think I’ve been the only one. I wonder a lot about whether I should end things with her or not. If I ever come to agreement with myself and end it, it’s because I want her to be happy and sometimes I feel like I’m not the person that can make her the most happy. I would let her go because I love her. They always say “If you love someone, set them free”. I believe in this one quote, because I would much rather see this beautiful, talented, incredible girl get everything she wants in life and be happy. I don’t even care if I never love again and regret it. So long as she is happy, I will be able to live the rest of my life in relief. I’ve even told her I would set her free, but she tells me she wants me and that’s what will make her happy. This confuses me so much. How can one fall “out” of love with a person but still want to be with them? She doesn’t want to give up and neither do I, but, there’s only so much you can do until you have to give up. Just because you give up now, doesn’t mean it can’t work out later on in life, right? Just as long as neither of them have found another love of their life. I feel as if I have contradicted myself throughout this whole entry, but it does not matter to me. I needed to force out these feelings of mine, not that it helps me figure out my problems, but it makes me feel more like I do have passion and love in my heart. A lot of the time, it feels like I don’t have anything in my heart; just another organ doing it’s job to keep me alive in this world we all call: life.
